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The Magic of Malicious Compliance – Why People Engage in Self Sabotage
If there is such a thing as dark personal magic, then “malicious indulgence” is surely one of its best and worst manifestations. Conceived as an equalizer and a liberator, malicious compliance traps the malicious compiler in a conflicting cycle of self-damaging, self-reducing revenge-in-need-to-heal. In the ordinary world, a maliciously compliant person seeks to harm another by doing exactly what the other wants. In Marino-style NLP, what I also notice is that the maliciously compliant person also tends to heal everyone in their family – their family of origin. More on this part later in the article.
Malicious compliance is a tactic for inflicting pain and satisfaction. The Malicious Compliance Wikipedia entry describes it well:
Malicious compliance is the behavior of a person who intentionally causes harm by strictly complying with management orders or following legal compulsions, knowing that compliance with the order will cause some form of loss that will result in damage to the manager’s business or reputation or loss to an employee or subordinate. In fact, it is a form of sabotage used to harm leadership or used by leadership to harm subordinates.
When unions want to punish management, they have their union members “work to rule”. It is a non-striking way of striking. Wiki says it like this:
Work-to-rule is abusive compliance used as a form of industrial action, where the rules are deliberately followed to the letter in a deliberate attempt to reduce employee productivity.
As I understand it, military ranks are a good source for malicious compliance stories. There is one about a sergeant who ordered the soldiers to bring tin buckets and mops and clean the floors of a huge empty building. The sergeant returned a few hours later. The men stood in the supply shed, “waiting for orders”, because the only bins they could find in the shed were plastic, not tin. After all, the sergeant mentioned “tin cans.”
Here is an excerpt from the current blog. The writer recounts his experience as a soldier in the Air Force, facing a particularly arrogant major one day:
As Bernie and I dutifully approached his desk, he pushed his glasses up to his nose which allowed him to look at us in the most disdainful way. “Now guys,” he spoke so slowly and deliberately that he was sure the Neanderthal could understand him. “I want this room to be all white.” To add insult to injury, he ordered me to repeat his order. “You want the room to be completely white,” I mechanically repeated the order to him with special emphasis on the word “all”. The Major didn’t notice the bitterness in my voice, but Bernie did. He kept his head down and was grinning from ear to ear…………..We finally agreed on a solution, we will paint the room as we ordered – ALL WHITE! When we came across this solution, we were inspired………Everything is painted in “white”. The ceiling, walls, floors, window panes, even the desk, chair and telephone were double coated. Nothing was spared. Electric switches, doorknobs and ceiling lighting fixtures were not missing…………..The Major got his wish! (quote)
Malicious leniency is the preferred method by which the (seemingly) justly powerless can punish, and perhaps correct, the unseemly, unjust behavior of the (seemingly) villainous and powerful. Children, including very young children, use this technique to try to punish and control their families, especially their parents. A quick tour of anyone’s memory will reveal thousands of maliciously aligned moments, some of which are actually expressed as outward behavior. Most moments of inspired malicious indulgence are simply filed away in the child’s mind, brilliant ideas and plans that are later pulled out in the event of ultimate parental injustice.
All malicious schemes begin with the words, “I’ll show you!” A few simple examples:
Parent: “Go to your room and stay there! I don’t want to see you outside that room again, do you understand me!?”
Child (just in his mind): “Okay. I’m going to go to my room, and I’m never going to come out, and I’m going to pee on the floor, and I’m never going to school, and I’m going to starve, and I’m going to smell really bad, and then you’re going to evil!”
Parent, during some kind of upset: “I don’t want to hear one more sound from you, not one sound! Do you understand me! Do you understand?” Many hours later, at the table, long after the parent has forgotten the upset, the child refuses to talk to anyone. The child’s plan is: “Fine. I’ll never speak again, if that’s what you want…..and then you’ll be sorry!”
Of course, in the normal course of family give-and-take, these indulgent revenge fantasies are short-lived; they are quickly displaced by the child’s desire to rejoin parents, family and life. Few children actually succeed in never leaving their room again, or never speaking again, and so on. But principle is what counts, and hope is what underlies that principle. It is a principle that the world that parents create for their children must not be unfair, capricious or cruel. The child’s hope, an extremely important part of all of this, is that they can correct perceived parental abuse and incompetence by using “industrial action for children” – maliciously complying with what parental authorities claim to want, and what those authorities inappropriately claim about those in their power. .
For example: if you, as a parent, constantly instill in your child the message, “You are worthless and will never amount to anything”, then your child will be tempted to maliciously obey you – and punish you – by growing up and not doing nothing, and then you’ll be sorry. However, your child’s much deeper hope is that when you realize what you caused, you won’t just regret it and feel really, really, really bad, but that you will actually change. When you, the parent, change, then things will be better for the child – and everyone else in the family. So in your child’s domain of power, other than conscious creativity (the domain of beliefs and decisions), all your child has to do to get you to make things better is to make sure things stay really, really, really bad—forever, or until you change, whichever comes first. (For a humorous and remarkably cringe-worthy demonstration of malevolent adherence, see the “soap poisoning” sequences in Gene Sheppard’s A Christmas Story.)
The unconscious identity-level pattern that emerges from this transformation of malevolent indulgence (“I’ll punish you by being who you say I am”) to “blessed indulgence” (“I’ll save us all by making you better parents”) is astonishing long-lived. The identity of the young child has no power in painful and abusive situations, except for two things: the child can control the intensity and duration of his own suffering – nothing more. In families that suffer desperately, children are forced to conclude that they can never be good enough, perfect enough, smart enough, etc., to stop mom and dad from doing bad things to them. This then requires the children to switch to their own maliciously/blissfully indulgent Plan B: “Dear Mom and Dad, I can’t stop you from being bad, but you can’t stop me from being bad, and maybe even worse, so I’m actually responsible for all this awfulness, not you. I can control how I feel and define who I am, not you. I’ll protect you and cover you. I’ll make sure you don’t hurt me. I’m going to hurt myself for you. And I’m never going to let this change until you have a chance to grow a little more and make things right, because that’s how much I love you.” Malicious compliance is thus transformed into delicious compliance.
In Marino’s NLP, we assume that all children love their parents and that all parents love their children. This is not a variable in life. What differs is how that love will be shown. Some families are lucky enough to be able to show love as love. In other families, love will be portrayed as something twisted, tense and ugly. Self-damaging our entire lives—insisting on a reality in which we are unworthy, unlovable, or insecure, in an impractical effort to retroactively redeem our parents and correct our family’s story—is a profoundly beautiful expression of truly ugly love.
Here we go back to “The Worst Belief in the World”. As you may remember from our previous article, the worst belief in the world is, “The most dangerous thing I can do is think I’m not in danger.” In addition to having to deal with being hijacked by outdated creature-level security patterns, anyone with this “worst belief” is also acting out of malicious and delicious alignment. A malicious phrase is something like, “I’ll show you! If you’re going to make being me so scary, then I’ll be scared for life! And I hope you’re watching while it’s happening! And then you’ll be sorry!” The loving, delicious version is: “Dear parents, if you can’t do any better than to be completely terrible, then in your honor I’ll keep being completely terrible until you can do better. I want you to be good parents. It’s not good for you if you are not good parents.”
So to revise the “worst belief” we need to update our old safety patterns and break free from the comfort of our equally old patterns of malicious and (arrogant, pointless) loving indulgence. The good news is that both transitions and revisions are available. In fact, we all seem ready to naturally install these updates as soon as we’re ready – as soon as we want to allow new experiences.
Coming soon: “The Best Update for the Worst Belief”
© 2009 Carl Buchheit and NLP Marin
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